over coffee this morning: belong

Fading memories ignored
I crawl across the forest floor
Pool reflects an orphan child
Dirty, lost, alone and wild
Fatherless and nameless still
Fallen heart and broken, will
There ever be a place where I belong?


I cower 'neath the monster trees
And try to stand on broken feet
But gravity knocks me to the ground,
Where I give up and tears roll down.
I claw the dust and beg the end
And curse the day that I began
To hope there'd be a place where I belong

The lyrics to this song have been favorites of mine for several years. I somehow just connect with these words. I often feel like this "orphan child: dirty, lost, alone and wild." I mean, I know I'm no longer this child, but it's so easy to slip back into this despair. Sometimes when my heart breaks and I'm tired of being tired and tired of doing my life and thinking my thoughts (you know what I mean, right?) I can feel myself collapsing "'neath the monster trees," and "claw[ing] the dust." Most of the time, I see this space from the other side:

I hear a sound I recognize
You lift my chin and seek my eyes
A song of love you sing to me
I ache to sing it back to Thee
"Father love prepares a place,
Brother Jesus leads the way
Follow to the place where you belong!"

I actually think this happens to us over and over in life. I mean, our following Jesus, our being rescued, our salvation is an ongoing process, and ongoing realization and understanding. I'm coming to understand that our rescue is in the following of Jesus and in the (slowly) realizing and understanding that we belong to God and He's singing His song of love over us.

This morning over a few delicious cups of coffee I was part of a book discussion/Bible study with some beautiful young women. We are reading Abba's Child by Brennan Manning. Actually, they've been reading it. I joined today at chapter 4 having read only the first few pages of chapter one. :) We talked about how as believers in and followers of Christ we are children of God. God created us and loves us, not in spite of our selves, our sin, and our brokenness, but including all that and all that we are. We discussed what life would be like for us if we could live in and operate under this belief and understanding all the time. We talked about how some of us read about and studied cases of abused children who have attachment disorders. Abused children who grow up without believing they are loved by their parents have a really hard time accepting love from and forming attachments to anyone. They lie, cheat, and act out in various ways that reflect their mistrust of everyone and everything. We realized that because of our broken nature and broken hearts we are sometimes like this; having a hard time accepting God's love because we know we are imperfect.

BUT, through it all and all our experiences and surroundings and through His people and His word God is trying to tell us otherwise:

How did I miss this wondrous song?
The forest sang it all along
"River rinses all your shame
Father offers you his name
Father love prepares a home
Brother Jesus leads you on,
Follow to the place where you belong."


"Father love prepares and place
Brother Jesus leads the way
Follow to the place where you belong
Follow to the place where you belong."

Belong by Chris Rice
(go look it up! the melody is beautiful!)


So, I don't believe that I have the absolutely correct theology about everything. I sometimes feel like I don't "get" God at all. And I certainly don't understand the mystery of His love for me and how that works. But I want to believe He does love me. And most of the time I find myself looking at my moments (or days, weeks, months) of despair and feeling like the author in the last verse of the song, "How did I miss this wondrous song?! The forest sang it all along... "

Hope this is encouraging to you too and it's not an over-share. :)

Here are some pictures from our garden. This is what it looks like right now...
The tree branches and palm leaf things are Patrick's help for the tomato plants. We're thinking they'll grow up the sticks... Also, there are a lot more tomato plants than I planted. And my whole system of squares got messed up when Zoey (the Ridgeback) broke the fence and dug all through the garden just 20 minutes after I'd planted everything. Thanks, Zoey. So there are random plants everywhere. Florah, our housekeeper, thinks it's really funny that I tried to be so organized and it backfired. But on Saturdays she supervises me in the garden. :) At any rate, things are growing!!!

But then there's this guy...

I'm gonna try spraying the leaves with hot pepper juice...

This has been Michelle's and my workspace during spring break. We were the only ones here while everyone else went on some adventures. So we took our office outside and enjoyed the sun in our backyard! We also took 2 hour lunch breaks every day and went swimming. 

"home is where the heart is," but what if that's several places?

i'm back in town! ...Nairobi, that is. and I brought Michelle with me!

what a treat to travel with someone! we had an ordinary trip back to nairobi, save for a killer migraine in Amsterdam. so sorry to Michelle's sweet friend whom we met for breakfast. i was trying not to puke or pass out the whole time. i swear i'm a nice person on a normal day.

when i got to GA i got right down to the serious business of hanging out with family and friends. i just can't get enough of my GA family.

Haley, Emily, and I went to a Berry/Shorter lacrosse match... yeah... we didn't stay long... Berry was dominating and Haley was embarrassed of her school. or we were bored, same thing. sorry, Hay, i know your hair has a funny wind blowin' thing going on, but you are still beautiful!

sarah, monnie, and i went to her parents lovely mountain cabin in blue ridge. then spent the day playing on the ocoee. i will forever be grateful to monnie's parents for that sweet retreat we get each year.

don't worry, friends, i also did some work here and there. (this is me telling them about Kenya, i think. see how everyone's looking in my direction? work, see?)

we had a great staff retreat at WinShape in Georgia! i am so thankful! this was probably one of the best ever! i'm really excited about working with this year's camp staff. there are some really cool guys and girls. (another shot of them listening to me. they are so interested. :) )

and that's not even all of them, folks! there are like 7 more who aren't pictured here!

after staff retreat I was SO fortunate to make a trip up to Portland to see my dear dear sister, MEGA! hooray!

it was cold... and we hiked... in the ice/snow/slush/rain... obviously this is my first experience with the pacific northwest.

what a fantastic tour guide megan was. the theme of my trip was good food, good drink, and good friends. i swear we ate out for nearly every meal. all of megan's favorite portland places are restaurants. and i "just had" to try this and that at every place. oh, how i love that girl!

and i finally saw the west coast!!! i was so happy i nearly cried. yeah, meg made fun of me.

a few more bittersweet farewells to my family...

emma and i have a similar sense of humor

the sibs (on dad's side). we're so shiny and special we glow.

so now i am back in nairobi working on camp and finishing up the semester of youth group. i'm looking forward to making some final memories with some of the awesome students i'm so blessed to share life with.

AND i'm so excited about camp this year. have i said that yet? we've got a killer leadership team with some great new ideas and lots of organization. and our staff are going to rock the program our leadership team creates! i wish you could meet them all!

today, though, it's spring break and Michelle and i are the only ones in town. so we took a few hours mid day between meetings, emails, and errands to swim some laps and then lay by the pool at Rosslyn. thank you rosslyn for having an awesome pool and including us in your community! we are so well taken care of. :)

"swing me way down south" and northwest for a week

i'm such a hypocrite. i said i wouldn't let a month go by before i updated. i let TWO months get past me. oh well. here's an attempted post from, oh, let's see, FEBRUARY 16! ha! sorry if i missed you in Atlanta or Portland.

youth group leadership team planning meeting for spring semester

i'm sitting in Amsterdam at Schipol airport waiting for my flight to JFK! it's been delayed an hour. which makes my 3 hour layover at JFK only 2 hours. and i have to reclaim my luggage, clear customs, re-check my luggage, find my gate, and board a plane to Atlanta. oh, i hope this all happens very smoothly. we'll see...

i'm currently headed to Atlanta (Rome, more specifically) for the Camp BlueSky 2011 summer staff retreat. we've been preparing and planning, interviewing and hiring, and it looks like we're almost all ready to go for a fabulous weekend. i'm stoked to meet everyone and get started on this summer of camp. i am sure an update and pictures will follow.

my days are currently filled with youth group planning and doing, a weekly Bible study with some girls from ISK, twice weekly meetings before school with students, and much much much camp prep. we are now meeting every other week for program updates from our specific areas.

Lexi arrived and registration for camp started the following week. we were able to set up a table at Rosslyn to register campers both before and after school. it was fun and lots of kids have already signed up. let's hope and pray we'll have more.

we also are on the schedule to set up a table two days this semester at the school store at ISK. this will be another amazing recruiting and networking opportunity. please pray we'll have a great turn out there too.

Lexi is not only a beautiful and sweet new friend, but she's doing a FAB job at camp registration. just making things better and better.

if you're in the Rome or Atlanta area in the next 3 weeks please please let me know! i'd love to see you. also, i'm going to Portland, OR to visit a few dear friends and do a little daydreaming. :)

i refuse to let an entire month go by before updating my blog! i keep resolving to be a better blogger, but time still somehow gets away from me... well here's another attempt. :)

Christmas was wonderful! Christmas with the Conway's (sounds like a movie title, hey?) was sweeter than i anticipated. i mean, the conway family is absolutely wonderful, but i was anxious about being away from family and being with someone else's family. i couldn't have felt more like i belonged than if i actually was a conway. they were SO hospitable to kim and me; even had tons of gifts under the tree! we had lunch that day with some other families too and stayed into the night. what joyous holiday it was! praise God for providing family. "God sets the lonely in families..." Psalm 68:6

and throughout the rest of the holiday i read, relaxed, and caught up with some old friends: mostly old youth group kids who were home for the holidays. how sweet it is for me to observe how my friendships with these kids have grown. i greatly value those young men and women and am truly blessed to be a part of their story.

some of this years' seniors with two really silly college guys. "bed head" on the far right is actually about to graduate with a degree in construction management and has a serious girlfriend. my, how they grow up! and he's no longer got constant bed head :(

ringing in the new year with loads of kids: high school and college party combined

things are quickly picking up their pace around here now. if i was at all bored or restless during the holidays i am already sorely regretting those feelings. i feel like the next few months of my life are quickly coming and will soon pass.

my days are currently filled with...

planting a garden - hurray! this is project kim and i started over the holidays, but requires daily attention. i'm stoked about this new venture. i've never done this before and i'm excited about learning the ins and outs of gardening. i'm NOT excited about my stupid puppies (sorry puppies) who like to break down the little fence and dig in the dirt.

beginning the garden project

current garden status. notice there are no plants yet.

reading harry potter - yep, maybe i'm a couple of 6 years behind the bandwagon, but i'm loving it. haha! i'd like to be up to speed before the final movie premiers.

learning to sew - first project was a very small and crooked placemat. but SO COOL to be able to actually make something. and i love my teachers. there are like 5 of them and they all give input and are impressed with how quick i am. haha! they must not have had many students.

youth group and student stuff - there are only a few weeks (SERIOUSLY?!!) left in this school year, between spring break, school field trips, easter break, senior trip, exams... ok, really there are a few months, but it all goes too fast these days. pray that we'll make the most of our time together and i will seek God's wisdom as i lead these teenagers. and that i'll be attentive to what i'm learning from them. we had a very productive dinner meeting a few nights ago where we planned talks and activities through the end of the school year. ALSO, we (a few students and i) have recently begun a Bible study for students at another school. this is a HUGE answer to prayer. i mean, like 5 years of prayer. we met on wednesday last week and it was so great! love love love the girls. looking forward to meeting again this week. please be in prayer about this too.

CAMP - camp bluesky 2011 will be here SOON!!! i already have nearly all the staff we need and am close to settling on a theme. pray pray PRAY! for campers and smooth logistics. lukenya has fired and rehired entire new staff once again. looks like we'll have another "first time" for everything this summer. yea! (pray also that i'll have a good attitude)

states - i'm planning to be Stateside 17 February - 6 March and will mostly be around GA. i would love to speak at your church, missions committee, or small group. i'm still looking for a few staffers, financial support for camp, and personal financial support. camp needs to get $20-30,000 annually and i need to gain a few more supporters. i am trying to procure a few engagements to build partners with this ministry. do you know of anyone or any groups? pray that me and those financial supporters will find each other. :)

i also want to visit friends and family while i'm there. so i'd like to see you in that manner as well.

our team - after all these other things, we're getting lots of new staff! i'm so thankful and excited. this week we'll be receiving stephen, jason, and emily. two weeks later, lexi. and returning from States will me will be Michelle. and then later in the year we'll get the preston family, greg, and possibly a few more! wow, some big things must be coming up! i still can't believe all these people are moving here! let's pray for their transition and for our team. much of my time in the next few weeks will be spent orienting and helping transition them into their roles and into life here.

oh, yeah, and i also climbed mt. kenya with some high school students...

just before embarking on our mt kenya climb. clean, in good humor, and full of energy.

this is all of us the night before we summitted. we were killing time until dinner. we're really cold and tired, but couldn't go to sleep till we ate. then had to wake at 2:15 a.m. to begin the climb to the top. painful, but sweet.

at the summit! so tired and FREEZING! but really happy.

view of the mountain on the way down. this is from the (dang it i forgot the name already) valley. see how small that person is in the bottom right corner? wow. beauty. i already wanna go back. for clarification, we actually walked to the hiker's peak. in this picture it's the flat part on the smaller peak on the left. you should still be impressed. it wasn't easy.

neonuna on a recent visit with Kim to Rehema in Western. isn't she beautiful! i didn't imagine i'd still have regular contact with her when i met her as a barely walking baby who fell asleep in my arms several years ago. anyone remember that? she and i both had a coke and we toasted a few times... wow. she's in school and speaks very good english, although she's almost too shy to talk to you so you wouldn't really know. :) we went just before Christmas to give the sponsored kids some gifts from their sponsors. we also got to visit all the kids who were still in the dorms and give away some Christmas sweets. so much fun! and it's always good to visit with Bishop Edwin and those pastors. there are still many orphans at Rehema without a sponsor. if you're interested in sponsoring one of them please let me know and i'll point you in the appropriate direction. there's more information there. these children are so sweet and beautiful and the school is doing a fantastic job on their education. please consider joining us in supporting them so their needs can continue to be met.

thanks for sticking with me through this long post! i know, i know: if i'd write more often they wouldn't be so long... i'll keep trying.

happy MLK day, you Americans! enjoy your day off! (AGAIN, for everyone in the southeast with all your snow days... i won't rub it in that it's currently sunny and 70 at my house)

MERRY CHRISTMAS!

Jon Gill left to America last night. Let's pray he makes it through London before it snows again. our house is going to be very quiet and empty until mid-Jan when all of our new people arrive. Jon filled the house with music, silliness, laughter, and a big curly Jewish 'fro of hair. we'll miss him. although, we will be able to keep the fridge stocked a little longer without his voracious appetite around.

It's just Kim and I here for the holidays. We were invited to spend Christmas with the Conway family! And we have been invited to something at someone's house every night this week. Should be fun! I still miss my family. But the hospitality and love of these "surrogate" families here is a welcome solace. Plus, we get to make brunch on Christmas Eve, pumpkin pie for Christmas lunch, and maybe some other goodies if I have extra money while I'm at the store today! we were able to get a few small gifts for each of the conways. i wrapped them up and they're under our tree. i'm really excited for kim and the conways to unwrap what i got them. i love giving gifts! i'm sorry to my dad and brother who didn't make the cut on christmas gifts this year. i promise you'll get sweet valentines gifts when i'm in the States in Feb. LOVE YOU ALL SO MUCH!

I'm possibly climbing Mt. Kenya with some high school girls over the break! Fun bonding time with them! We're also trying to organize a camping trip for some kids who are back in town for the holidays! i hope these adventures work out.

i just discovered npr on the internet (i know, how behind am i!) so now i can listen while enjoying my coffee in the mornings. merry christmas to me!!!

i hope and pray everyone is enjoying this Christmas week! Merry Christmas to you all!!!

just wait

warning: this might be too personal.

why is waiting sometimes so difficult and painful?

Have you not known? Have you not heard? The Lord is the everlasting God, the Creator of the ends of the earth. He does not faint or grow weary... those who wait for the Lord shall renew their strength... Isaiah 40:28, 31

when i was in the States a few months ago i didn't have a phone for a few days. waiting to get one was excruciating. that makes me feel so selfish. in fact, the phone company told me it would take up to two weeks for the phone i wanted to be delivered. i couldn't wait; i got a different phone. yuck; i HATE admitting this. but i felt like i couldn't wait to talk to people.

i was chatting with a friend this morning about adoption. she said it could take several years to complete an international adoption. YEARS! that's a long wait for a baby. most people feel 9 months is too long.

as a child i can remember this Christmas season and waiting for Christmas morning. my little brother could hardly wait any longer, when he'd wake us all up at 4 a.m. to open presents. sometimes my mom would make us wait until my grandparents came over. oh, that was so hard. worse than waiting for a bathroom stop on a long road trip after two cups of coffee and a whole nalgene of water (something i am also very familiar with).

and now i find myself counting down the days and waiting (painfully, i admit) until i go 'home' and see my family and friends again. i would sometimes almost prefer to skip over these next 10 weeks completely if i could, ignoring Christmas altogether.

wait.

i wait.

i [try to be patient and] wait [often with a bad attitude and discouragement, trying everything i can find to distract myself].

i wait for news from those who are separated from me.

parents that i know are awaiting with eagerness, hope, and excitement the arrival of their children coming home for the holiday. for some of them it's been more than a year that they've seen their child.

a friend asks me to pray for her family when her organization is, once again, deciding if they can live here in Kenya or if they must go to the States. for 3 years they have been waiting, each year, on this decision to be made again and a again.

we give ourselves distractions, bring work along with us, have the internet on our phones to entertain us while we're waiting in traffic, waiting for an appointment, waiting to pick up the kids...

i have made signs, messages, and reminders to myself to wait. wait, i tell myself. wait on God to provide. don't try so hard to go after the things you think you want. you can't control everything anyway and you'll probably mess things up. wait for direction. wait for a sign. wait for His provision in everything. wait...

from my advent devotional:

"Advent is about waiting. Waiting, because it will always be with us, can be made a work of art, and the season of Advent invites us to underscore and understand with a new patience that very feminine state of being, waiting... Waiting is mysteriously necessary to all that is becoming. As in a pregnancy nothing of value comes into being without a period of quiet incubation: not a healthy baby, not a loving relationship, not reconciliation, a new understanding, a work of art, never a transformation. Brewing, simmering, fermenting, ripening, germinating, gestating are the feminine processes of becoming and they are symbolic states which belong in a life of value; necessary to transformation." (this is actually taken from another book, To Dance with God by Gertrude Meuller Nelson)

i don't know how to make waiting easier. i know that it is a part of life. i am learning that it is life. waiting is necessary and i'm not sure i'll ever be done waiting.

as we are celebrating this Advent season with parties, gatherings, food, friends, and family, let's remember we are celebrating a season of waiting. and waiting can be celebrated. remembering that, "nothing of value comes into being without a period of quiet incubation."

from today's Advent meditation, a poem by Vivian Stacey, South African poet:

No longer waiting to live

I wait in the secret dark with the rock spider who watches

through the light crack behind his lichen trap door

I watch the whole surround with the horny chameleon

who unlids his revolving eye, coil tongue tensed

I keep faith that warmth comes with the brown lizard

still as death, who trusts the sun will heat his blood

I am on full alert with the upright meerkat

sentry on the ridge who will bark the alarm

I find my moments of poise with the vulture stopped

in the vortex, who will drop in full surrender of flight

So do I keep a graced watch with creatures

and the waiting and the watch is life.

thank you

Praise the Lord! I will give thanks to the Lord with my whole heart,

in the company of the upright, in the congregation.

Great are the works of the Lord

studied by all who delight in them.

Full of splendor and majesty is his work

and his righteousness endures forever.

He has caused his wondrous works to be remembered;

the Lord is gracious and merciful.

He provides food for those who fear him,

he remembers his covenant forever.

He has shown his people the power of his works,

in giving them the inheritance of the nations.

The works of his hands are faithful and just;

all his precepts are trustworthy;

they are established forever and ever,

to be performed with faithfulness and uprightness.

He sent redemption to his people;

he has commanded his covenant forever.

Holy and awesome is his name!

The fear of the Lord is the beginning of wisdom;

All those who practice it have a good understanding.

His praise endures forever!

Psalm 111

the Sunday before thanksgiving we read and discussed this poem at youth group. we meditated on each section and went around a circle praising God for things. it was truly a sweet time. the kids praised Him for things like friends, family, provision of life, safety. we do have much to be thankful for. we looked back over our year and noted specific instances in which God protected or provided for us. there were many. just a few for me included: very successful and fun camp, safety during two break-ins, safety on roads and traveling with many camp staff, new friends, new interests, and God's constant provision financially, spiritually, emotionally, and relationally. and... YOU! thank you for reading about me, praying for me, and supporting me. i know thanksgiving was a few weeks ago, but i would like for us to go through these final weeks of 2010 with a spirit of gratefulness. let's take some time to be thankful.

kim and me stuffing the turkey

nick got to do the honors of carving, while i closely supervised.

our thanksgiving family dinner

everyone feeling stuffed and trying to look happy and comfortable

i LOVE maasai mara! what a sweet place to reflect during the holiday weekend